What's pink and chunky? A baby with leprosy.
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 40 lb.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!