What's pink and chunky?
A baby with leprosy.
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 40 lb.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!