Best jokes ever

If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.

Micheal Jordan to Chuck Norris: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."

An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"

An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out." The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?" To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How? Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"! The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

Q: Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation?" A: It hasn't come out yet.