He doesn’t drink anything stronger than pop.
Mind you Pop will drink anything.
Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky?
needed a stiff drink.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone’s been in a 747.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
A: De-calf-i-nated.
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open?
She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said
"Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.