What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone’s been in a 747.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
A: De-calf-i-nated.
Why did the millionaire count his money with his toes?
So it wouldn't slip through his fingers!
Why is money green?
Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
What is the longest organ in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's cock!
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time and falls again.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again.
He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."