A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time and falls again.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again.
He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.
They presented him with a cup when he was a boxer.
It was to keep his teeth in.
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity.
If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
A man is walking through a park when he steps in a pile of dog mess.
He pauses to wipe his shoe on the grass and sees another man step into the same pile.
‘I just did that,’ says the man, so the other man rubs his nose in it.
A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer.
‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man.
‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman.
‘My wife,’ replies the man.