Harry, to Tom: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’
Tom: ‘So does your tooth still hurt?’
Harry: ‘I don’t know; he kept it.’
How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.
How do you determine a blonde’s IQ?
With a tyre gauge.
We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
One night Harry had been drinking so much he came home and was sick all over the cat.
He looked down at it and said, ‘I don’t remember eating that.’
‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store.
She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’
Bob Hope
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field.
Halfway across he drops his hat.
He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.