One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
Why is money green?
Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Aunt's Pay A young lady went to the dress shop where her aunt worked and picked up her aunt's pay.
On the way home she was robbed, so she called the police and said, "I just lost my aunt's pay."
The desk sargeant said , "Ouyay, Unnyfay!"
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?
All your Hefty Bags are missing.
What is the longest organ in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's cock!
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.
"Wha' my gonna do now?
My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill."
The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket.
"Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door.
"Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."
One day little Bill was playing in the sand out of the sun underneath his front steps.
Soon his mother walked up the steps without underwear due to the heat of the day and little Bill looked up and yelled out, ''Mother, what's that black thing that you're carrying under your dress?''
''Don't worry, Bill, it's just a squirrel,'' she said.
So little Bill kept on playing, and soon his grandmother came along, also without underwear, and little Bill looked up and said, ''Grammie what is that hairy animal under your dress?''
''Ah, it's a squirrel,'' she answered.
So little Bill asked his grandmother, ''Why is it that your squirrel is grey intead of black?''
The grandmother replied, ''If your mother's squirrel had popped the nuts that this one has popped, it would be gray too.''