Best jokes ever

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
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Did you hear about the small golf course? You don’t have to shout ‘Fore!’, only ‘two and a half’.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
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The best things in life are free, plus tax.
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Name an animal that lives in Lapland? A reindeer Good, now name another. Another reindeer!
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He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
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I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
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Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? A. Divorcee'
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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