What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate?
The ice.
Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink.
A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’
‘Why, yes,’ says Dick.
‘How could you tell?’
The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
He doesn’t drink anything stronger than pop.
Mind you Pop will drink anything.
How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.
Think nobody knows you’re alive?
Try missing a payment.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk goes to work.
Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky?
needed a stiff drink.
I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away.
Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor.
Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.