To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
Did you hear about the small golf course?
You don’t have to shout ‘Fore!’, only ‘two and a half’.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
The best things in life are free, plus tax.
Name an animal that lives in Lapland?
A reindeer
Good, now name another.
Another reindeer!
He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.
I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A. Divorcee'
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.