He’s such an alcoholic, when pink elephants get drunk, they see him.
Think nobody knows you’re alive? Try missing a payment.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A drunk goes to work.
Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? needed a stiff drink.
I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away. Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor. Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.
A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink. His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred? On the fingers!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.