How did the blonde die icefishing?
She got run over by the zamboni!
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
What to polar bears eat for lunch?
(Ice berg-ers!)
Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie.
They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk.
The problem was getting Ken to listen.
He was so poor all he had to wear as a boy were hand-me-downs.
The real shame was that he had five older sisters.
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up.
Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life.
One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A: A case of Schlitz.
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!