Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A blonde goes into a kitchen store and says to an assistant "Can i buy that TV please?"
The assistant says "Sorry we don't serve blondes."
So the blonde goes out and gets her hair dyed and then comes back and says, "Excuse me can i buy that TV please?" and the assistant says "No, because we still know who you are."
So the blonde goes out and gets plastic surgery.
She then comes back and says
"Excuse me, can I buy that TV please?" and the assistant says, "No, because it's a microwave!"
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A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
A man, a woman, and a great survivor are trapped on an island.
The survivor finds a bunch of coconuts.
The man thinks to himself, "What if there are other people on the island? Then we won't be stranded!"
He throws coconuts at nearby ships, and the island was populated.
Everybody looks at him cross.
Then they kick him off the island.
There is a nigger and a Mexican in a car. Who is driving?
Nethier, the cop is.
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”
Scientists have predicted the world will end in 2012, but that's just a guess when Chusk Norris' patience will run out.
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Chuck Norris is like an F5 Tornado...
When you see him coming you better run for cover and pray to God he doesn't find you...
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Q: What do you do when you see a black man with half a face?
A: Stop laughing and reload.
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Your house is so dirty I saw rats on dirt bikes.