Joke #1567

Q: What do you do when you see a black man with half a face? A: Stop laughing and reload.

What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!" I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"

Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout? A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ? A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!