Best jokes ever

‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ Jay Leno

An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting. A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle. "Pullover!" the cop says "No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"

An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre. He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat. The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes. The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police. Once again the customer justs moans and rolls his eyes. The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. "What's wrong with you?" they ask. The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes. The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?" The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

Things our family enjoys together without anyone complaining: 1.

An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."

Yo momma so fat when she fell, no one laughed, but the ground started cracking up.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.  "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."  The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."  The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."  The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."  The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"

"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Student: A teacher!