It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"
Yo' Mama is so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?” The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!” The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?” The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.” To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
School is like a boner, long and hard. Unless you're Asian...
A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush." The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake." A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights." A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
“Honey”, says the wife to her husband, “last night I had the most AMAZING dream..I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..” The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love. The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan. But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles. She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them. The husband accepted and started waving the fan… After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more! So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?”