Best jokes ever

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
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has 78.93 % from 1152 votes. More jokes about: fish, genie, racist
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
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has 78.93 % from 223 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."
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has 78.93 % from 2508 votes. More jokes about: death, family, school, sex, teacher
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
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has 78.92 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, lawyer
A body in motion will remain in motion until roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
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has 78.91 % from 109 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
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has 78.91 % from 431 votes. More jokes about: age, dirty, jewish, old people, priest
Your momma so fat... She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
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has 78.91 % from 584 votes. More jokes about: Yo mama
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.
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has 78.90 % from 312 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, chemistry, nerd
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
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has 78.90 % from 931 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, jewish, racist
Can you repeat this sentence 3 times without stammering? 3 witches watch 3 Swatch watches; which witch watches which Swatch watches?
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has 78.90 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: communication
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