Hitler calls a meeting of his best soldiers and commanders and tells them "Alright I want to order the assassination of one thousand jews and four hedgehogs." Then one of his generals stands and says "But... Mein furhur why four hedgehogs?" Hitler then smiles and says "See? No one gives a f*ck about the jews."
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
Your mama so ugly, when she went to a stripping club, they paid her to keep her clothes on.
A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"
My Grandma is in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses. She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
My attitude isn't bad. It's in beta.
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.