Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!
Chuck Norris once played with Legos. The result was The Great Pyramids.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
"Pa's being chased by a bull!" "Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?" "Get me some film for my camera."
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
Q: Which Bible character had no parents? A: Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?” “No, I don’t,” I said. He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?” “No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.” He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"