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Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!
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Chuck Norris once played with Legos. The result was The Great Pyramids.
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Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
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"Pa's being chased by a bull!" "Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?" "Get me some film for my camera."
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Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
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What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.
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Q: Which Bible character had no parents? A: Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.” “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?” “No, I don’t,” I said. He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?” “No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.” He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”
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Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
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