Never make the same mistake twice. There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.
A man goes into a Harley Davidson shop and while looking at bikes, the salesman comes up and asks if he has any questions. The man then asks how he keeps the chrome looking so good on all these bikes? The salesman replies, "That's easy, I carry a jar of Vasoline in my pocket and when it looks like it's going to rain, I put Vasoline on all the chrome and wipe it off when it quits raining and no water spots." The guy says that makes sense and later picks a bike to purchase. After completing the paperwork, he rides the bike to a pharmacy and purchases a jar of Vasoline that he puts in his pocket.rnrnThe man then rides the bike over to his girlfriend's house and while they are standing outside looking at the bike, his girlfriend's phone rings. His girlfriend says that it's her parents and they want to invite them to dinner at their house. The guy agrees and says they can ride the bike over to their house.rnrnAs their walking up to the front door, the girlfriend says she needs to tell him something before they go inside. She tells him that you can't talk during dinner. The guy asks why, and the girlfriend says the first person to talk has to do the dishes. The guy thinks this to be a little strange, but says OK.rnrnWhen they get inside, the guy looks inside the kitchen and sees about two months worth of dirty dishes piled up and thinks there is no way he's talking during dinner. They sit down and begin eating when a thought pops into the guys head. The guy grabs his girlfriend an d throws her up on the dining room table and rails the shit out of her, but no one says a word. The guy then grabs his girlfriend's mom and throws her up on the table and rails her too, and again no one says anything. About that time, the guy hears thunder and reaches in his pocket to recover the jar of Vasoline. His girlfriend's father then says, "Fuck this shit, I'll do the goddamn dishes!"
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Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
How is a man like a snowstorm? You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”. He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”. She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”. He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”. She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”. He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.
Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.” Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid. ”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”. ”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, watch this. He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm taking a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" said his seatmate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.