"Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter's hand."
"Why? I don't get it, don't you have a hand?"
"I do sir, but I'm sick and tired with my own hand sir!"
Vote:
What's the problem with an Asian pet store?
There's always a kitchen in the back.
16 and Pregnant.
15 and Fucking.
14 and Sucking.
13 and Licking.
12 and Fingering.
11 and Touching.
9 and Kissing.
8 and Wondering.
Welcome To Our Fucked Up Generation...
A beautiful woman who had a golden little plane necklace was seated next to a guy on the plane.
During the flight all the time he was gazing at the necklace.
When the woman asked him: "Are you interested in my necklace?"
"No lady; I would rather its runway!" answered the guy.
Vote:
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge.
He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds.
What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.”
The giant nodded.
“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are.
But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs.
Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
“I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.
“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again.
“Nope,” he replied.
“I can’t do it.”
“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”
My ex-girlfriend loves the heat.
She has a nostalgia for hell.
Vote:
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
I was wondering why air is so polluted.
Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air".
Now it makes sense.
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."