Chuck Norris can play Bach's 9th Symphony with a triangle.
Your momma so ugly she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that." I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
If Chuck Norris gets a question wrong, it is right.
Teen Girl to Friend: "For the prom, I'm renting a limo, spending $500 on a new dress and bringing in the best makeup artist in the state to do my hair." Teacher who has overheard the conversation: "Wow, that's more than I spent for my wedding!" Teen Girl: "Yeah, well you can get married three or four times, but a prom is a once in a lifetime experience."
Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris' fists will kill you.
Q: What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex? A: "Honey I'm home."
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
A teenager is a hopeless romantic who never falls in love more then twice a week.