Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job.
Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent.
After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny.
"A horny bastard!"
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?"
Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
Vote:
Q: Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
A: One cup and you're up all night.
Chuck Norris invented zombies so that he can kill his victims again.
Vote:
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom.
However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.
As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder .
When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
What the number one crime in asia?
Identity theft.
A pregnant woman is about to give birth.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends:
1st: How your girlfriend look like?
2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours?
1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.
Vote:
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wIfe loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam!
Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam!
Instantly he turned 93 years old.