A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.
He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.
St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"
That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.
I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job.
Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent.
After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny.
"A horny bastard!"
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?!
Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
faces like yours
belong in a zoo.
Don't worry I'll be there too,
not in the cage,
but laughing at you.
If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.
There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.
Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#.
Vote:
Why are black people so good at Basketball?
Cause all you have to do is RUN, SHOOT and STEAL.
Vote:
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him...give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.