Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
"What denomination?" asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before replying, "Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
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A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.
His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it!
Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
Cool Morals:
1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven.
"I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven.
But if you think one dirty thought or act out one dirty act your wings will fall off."
So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a naked woman walk by so his wings falll off.
When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
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An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland.
They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex?
Girl: A threesome.
Boy: What's it called when two people have sex?
Girl: A twosome.
Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.
The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.
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