An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon.
After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."
The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
Yo mama so fat she got a parking ticket for standing at a crosswalk.
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.
"You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Did you find my horse well behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
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A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" the man says.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg."
Q: Why do we have to be quiet in church?
A: Because people are sleeping!
Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?
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Because people are dying to get in there.
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Q: Why did the Energizer cell go to court?
A: For charges of battery.
The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.
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