A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" the man says.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg."
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a lambrogini?
A: Procupines have pricks on the outside.
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.
Vote:
Get to know your mate.
If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front.
And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up.
Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, "I've been wanting to know, what's your name?"
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
When you die on Earth you go to hell.
When you die in hell you go to Chuck Norris' house.
Vote:
How do you kill 10,000 Mexicans?
Throw a peso over a cliff.
How do you kill 10,000 more?
Tell them nobody got it.
An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon.
After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."
The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
A horse walks into a bar.
He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer."
The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner.
"Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer."
The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer."
So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer.
"You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here."
To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."