This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
Undertaker to bereaved husband.
When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?
Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."
A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.
Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?"
To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."
Vote:
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident.
They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.
St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."
St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.
Now it was the second man's turn.
St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."
St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.
After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other.
The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.