My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sex suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
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It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.
St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others.
St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies.
That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
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Q: What do gay guys have in common with bungee jumpers?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit!
Life Lemons Saying:
White Guy: When Life gives you lemons enjoy them with friends.
Black Guy: When Life gives you lemons sell them, buy a gun, point it at life and say "More lemons mother Fucker".
Chuck Norris can split the atom.
With his bare hands.
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Status
I didn't fall down, I attacked the floor.
Nate: Why was school easier for cave people?
Kate: Why?
Nate: Because there was no history to study!
Yo Momma so fat, she rolled out of bed and everybody thought there was an earthquake.
My mother in law's farts are so horrible that I can rent her to governments for using instead of chemical weapons for destroying their enemies!
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