Priest walks into a hotel reception and says 'I have booked a room for the night, but I hope the pornography on the television is disabled'. The receptionist say 'You weirdo, its normal porn!'
Yo mamma so stupid she tried to eat her iPhone because it had an apple on it!
Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The American jumped off and shouted "God save America!"
The English man jumped off and shouted "God Save The Queen!"
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted "God save the person who I land on!''
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
He asks his wife what's up.
"Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Q: How many people can you fit in one Honda?
A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”
Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?"
Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."
Vote:
Three guys die and go to Hell.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker."
So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker."
So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.
Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
The guy smiles and says,
"He made lollipops."
One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart.
The clerk told him to have a nice day.
The next day the clerk was found dead.
The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why.
He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"
Vote:
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."
The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!"