Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.
Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.
Q: What's the difference between Chuck Norris and a bear? A: Chuck Norris has more chest hair.
Chuck Norris has no freezer. He stares at food and they freeze with fear.
Q: What do you call a big pile of kittens? A: A meowntain.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
The one thing I've learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn't mastered the haircut.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.