An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke).
St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions.
"What sort of accountant were you?"
"Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply.
"Name?" asks St. Pete.
The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file.
"Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span."
The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old."
Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible."
"Why do you say that?" asks the accountant.
"Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper.
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still kicks your ass.
Chuck Norris once won a chess game after losing his king
Q: How do you electrocute a blonde?
A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan? ´
A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
Chuck Norris doesn't use OFF!
Mosquitos instinctively know not to bite him.
Chuck Norris can turn diamonds back into coal.
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"