Teacher: “Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Johnny, bark.”
Johnny: “Bow, wow, wow!”
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.
The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: "we have arrived".
The first man gave him money.
The second one thanked the taxi driver.
The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: "what was that for?".
The drunken man replied: "control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.
The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street.
When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse.
They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...
Hypocrisy: When a Jehovahs Witness doesn't celebrate Halloween because they don't like random people knocking on their doors.
You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Vote:
Yo Mama so old...
She's got Adam and Eve's autograph.
Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"