Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
Redbull doesn't give you wings. Lat pulldowns do.
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
Get bad marks, relatives will insult you. Get good marks, friends will insult you.
Q: Who was the best business woman in the Bible? A: Pharoah's daughter – she drew a profit from the rush at the bank.
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me." The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.