Best jokes ever

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
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has 73.42 % from 133 votes. More jokes about: airplane, kids, political
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: food, lawyer
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: bird, blonde, death, stupid
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? A: H2O cubed.
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, science, winter
Teacher: What makes you see? Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears. Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose? Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: school
A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex." The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex." The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?" The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: dirty
At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: christian, church, god, money, old people
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and ... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ... and dies immediately. If only men would listen...
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has 73.41 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, men, women
The teacher asked Willy, "If you have seven cookies and Billy asks you for three, how many cookies have been left with you?" Willy immediately answered, "Seven!"
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has 73.41 % from 221 votes. More jokes about: math, school, teacher
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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has 73.41 % from 171 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, Chuck Norris, science
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