Best jokes ever

Yo Momma so fat that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!

Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.

"Is it rape if it's your wife?" "I don't think so." "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"

A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp. Sure enough a genie pops out, and says, "I will grant you 3 wishes but be warned every black person in the world will get double what you wish." After a thought he says he's got it. "My first wish is i want a million dollars." Genie "your wish has been granted and every black person now has 2 million dollars." Man "Ok my second wish i want 10 thousand acres Genie.." Granted but every black person in the world now has 20 thousand acres. "And now you have but one wish." "The man replies with my final wish... i wish you to beat me half to death."

You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Chuck Norris put his phone on air-plane mode and flew it.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong... God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.

What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist? The optimist studies English. The pessimist studies Chinese. The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.