Best jokes ever

I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center.

The wife's just said to me "Can you explain why I've just found another womans knickers in your coat pocket?" I said "Yes, I can explain. It's because you're a nosy ****!"

One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer. His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted". He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough." His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?" He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.

Chuck Norris once stayed at the Hotel California and was allowed to check out... and leave.

Every phobia known to man has a phobia of Chuck Norris.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Q: Why did the programmer quit his job? A: Because he didn't get arrays.

Got said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris looked at him and said: "Say please."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few. "Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their's were still sticking out of the ground."

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"