Every 5 seconds, somewhere in the world, someone dies of Chuck Norris.
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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
Q: Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?
A: Because they take things. Literally.
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A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep… You wake him up."
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Q: What is the point of Jewish football?
A: To get the quarter back
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Chuck Norris can kiss his own elbow, both at the same time.
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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".
Chuck Norris lives in a all white house with all white furniture and all white carpet.
Why?
Dirt knows better.
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Yo mama so ugly, Instagram tagged her selfies 'explicit content'.
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