There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.
When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"
"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room.
Soon he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said, "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street.
They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time.
They used sign language to catch up on old times.
Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.
This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure.
His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way.
The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office.
The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars.
The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day.
The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table.
The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end.
The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass.
The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!"
The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."
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When Chuck Norris falls into a puddle of water he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
This is just a joke, we know Chuck Norris doesn't fall..ever
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Two girlfriends meet again after a few years.
One is pushing around a baby buggy.
The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed.
"Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?"
Murmurs the other woman.
"Damn gangbang! At least he doesn't bark!"
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet.
A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot.
He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam'".
The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious.
So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"
Q: What do you call a Democratic buffet?
A: A free for all.
When Chuck Norris donates blood he refuses the needle, he asks for a knife and a bucket.
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Yo mama is so stupid, she was looking for bluetooth at the orthodontist.
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Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, "Why is the grass always greener on the other side?"
Everyone replied, "'Cause you aren't standing on it."
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