"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
Vote:
"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
"Pa's being chased by a bull!"
"Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?"
"Get me some film for my camera."
Shop assistant: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on?
Psychic: I'm a medium.
Vote:
Q: How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The lights out, how can u count them?
Vote:
A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.
I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
He was 90.
Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."
*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."
A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viagra.
Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year."
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?