The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real.
It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
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"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"
"Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"
Whats the simalarites between a fence and a white person?
They both get jumped by Mexican and black people
Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...
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Two cannibals were having their dinner.
One said to the other "I don't like your friend."
The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."
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I really do have a soft spot for my MIL.
It's out in the garden behind the garage.
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Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
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An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.