A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits) The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
Right angles used to be called wrong angles until Chuck said, "I don't see anything wrong with them."
You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Chuck Norris once leaned on the Tower of Pisa...
One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead's house while the redhead's father was out. The father had a pet parrot, which he did n ot let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings. “Now you've done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde. “Go buy him another one just like that, here's some money.” The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. “Okay,” said the blonde, “but it's going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing.”
Chuck Norris' primary weapon in Call of Duty is his roundhouse kick.
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? A: They grow taller!