You mama so old she made yoda look young.
Programmers: See one warning, fixes warning. Compiles...
See two errors, fixes errors. Compiles...
See 83 errors, pitches computer.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor.
Who gets it?
The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting.
One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a crap.”
The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.”
The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.”
The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”
The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”
The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”
Chuck Norris rubs two pieces of fire together to make wood.
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Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
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It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
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User Error.
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A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."