Best jokes ever

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Vote: has 71.25 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, heaven
Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card." Johnny: "I don't have it." Johnny's father: "Why not?" Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Vote: has 71.25 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, family, little Johnny, school
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!"
Vote: has 71.25 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde
What do you call a mexican having a shower? A miracle.
Vote: has 71.25 % from 306 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: racist
Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men? A. He thought it was a home delivery service.
Vote: has 71.22 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, celebrity, music
Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it mean Fantastic!
Vote: has 71.22 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school, stupid, Yo mama
Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *walks away*
Vote: has 71.22 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"
Vote: has 71.22 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, dog, life, military, winter
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
Vote: has 71.22 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, geek, math
Bigfoot thinks Chuck Norris is a myth
Vote: has 71.22 % from 62 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris