Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says.
But here’s what to do.
Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."
Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.
Yo momma's so fat...
The animals at the zoo feed her.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Define "Egghead":
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news."
Bush replied, "What’s the good news?"
"I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."
Q: What did the fire monster that was slayed by the water monster say?
A: "You're cold."
Vote:
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."