Chuck Norris can straighten a circle.
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. "I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise. The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone. "Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady. The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
Doc, I think I need to wear glasses Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
My wife said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before." So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter... I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.
Q: Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? A: He was looking for pooh!
Yo' Mama is so fat, her Polo shirts come with real horses on the pocket.
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.