A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"
Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?"
She said, "Nope, just found one!"
Vote:
Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover?
A: His ass!
Funeral jokes are the best - they never die...
Vote:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
New York was having a problem with too many pigeons in the city.
The mayor of New York placed an ad asking for help to get rid of the pigeons in the city.
A man responded to the ad.
The man said that he would get rid of all of the pigeons in New York for $1million.
He stated that he would stand behind his work and that he had very good credentials.
There was only one stipulation, any questions that were asked would cost the city an additional $1million if answered.
The mayor agreed to the terms.
The man went to his car and brought back a small box.
He opened the box and pulled out a pink pigeon.
He released the pigeon into the air.
Soon all of the pigeons in the city were following this pigeon.
The pink pigeon lead all of the city's pigeons over the ocean and one by one the pigeons began to tire and fell into the ocean and died. The pink pigeon returned to it's owner and was given a soft pat on the back and put back into the box.
The mayor was totally amazed by this.
The mayor complimented the man on his magnificent work.
The mayor told the man that he had a question for him.
The man reminded the mayor that any questions to be answered would cost an additional $1million.
The mayor said that his question was worth the cost.
The mayor asked the man if he happened to have any pink niggers.
Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy Shit.
Kamasutra says:
If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one.
And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
because the grass tickles their balls :)
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence.
The three words are 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow.'"
The Mexican man thinks , then says, "Hmmm, okay.
The phone, it went green, green, green.
I pink it up and sez yellow?"