Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.
Yo mama is so stupid, I said it was going to be chili out and she grabbed a bowl and a spoon.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
A boastful hunter kept telling his buddies the same story, and they chided him for telling it over and over. He reminded them that they often tell the same stories. "Not so," said one friend. "We re-share, you repeat."
I like my women like my morning coffee, falling off the roof of my car as I peel out of a gas station parking lot.
Every morning Chuck Norris eats a bowl of nails for Breakfast... without milk.
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup." Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.” The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!” The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”