Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup." Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.
Steve rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women stood 3 deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a bathroom. He saw a stairway and race up the steps to the second floor in his desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one foot by one foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of us control, he decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over the hole, and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps to find, to his surprise, that the bar which was crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty. "Hey!" He yelled to the empty room, "Where is everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where were you when the poop hit the fan?"
Every morning Chuck Norris eats a bowl of nails for Breakfast... without milk.
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.
A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist. The woman asks for some good advices. The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonalds."
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt." Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, I'm chewing bubble gum."
The thing programming and essay writing have in common: the easier the writing is to use, the harder it is to write.