I like my women like my morning coffee, falling off the roof of my car as I peel out of a gas station parking lot.
Yo mama is so stupid, I said it was going to be chili out and she grabbed a bowl and a spoon.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hmmm... I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.
A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!" The man does that. The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" "I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"
Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Two weeks later: Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
A boastful hunter kept telling his buddies the same story, and they chided him for telling it over and over. He reminded them that they often tell the same stories. "Not so," said one friend. "We re-share, you repeat."
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup." Waiter: "That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much."
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.