I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Q: How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? A: Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil...
Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon. For a long time, they could not decide upon any game. Suddenly, Jenny had an idea. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. "Let's play schools". "OK!" said Jinny. "But I'm going to be absent."
I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you". She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" I said, "It's me...I'm talking to the beer"!
Chuck Norris actually painted all of the colors of the wind.
Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you". Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"