A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Marriages are made in Heaven – but then again, so are thunder and lightning.
Seems like school and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school? A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window. Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names. “Shut Up”, replied Shut Up. “Stupid”, replied Stupid. The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. “Excuse Me!” shouted the chief. Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names. “Shut Up!” “Stupid!” The police chief was very riled. He then asked” Are you looking for trouble?”!!! Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,”Why yes, how did you know?”
Customer: Could you please call me a cab? Little Johnny: OK... "You're a cab."
Linux is like wigwam: no Gates, no Windows and Apache inside.
What do you get when you take two hookers to Red Lobster? 10% off for bringing your own crabs.
Chuck Norris was asked if he would be running for President, after a chuckle, he stated, nothing makes him run.
You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.