Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just declare darkness the standard!
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.
When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't kill his victim, the force of the air did.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris can keep up with the Kardashians.
In funeral of my friend's wife, I went to condole him so I said: "Don't think she was your wife, she was for all".
Yo' Mama is so poor, when I asked where her bathroom was, she said, "Fourth bottle from the left."
I use camouflage condoms so they cant see me coming.