A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
Chuck Norris was asked if he would be running for President, after a chuckle, he stated, nothing makes him run.
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.
What's the difference between a white naked woman and a black naked woman? The white girl is seen in Playboy and the black chick is seen on National Geographic.
A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you". Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?" The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat kids into a camp fire.
Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine. We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.
Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country. O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer. They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time. When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." "Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks. The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches. Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".