A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!
I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."
His wife said, 'Thank you.'
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
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Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
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What every sports player should say after winning?
"First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
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There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
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Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
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A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge.
"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"