Best jokes ever

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital. While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience. She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?" He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live." After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, breast enlargement and abdominal fat removal. She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’. She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible. After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her… While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?" And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."
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has 84.42 % from 95 votes. More jokes about: life
My late grandfather always told me: "When there is a wind in your belly blow it out gently you feel a real comfort then look at the other's faces to see what are their reactions."
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has 84.42 % from 340 votes. More jokes about: family, fart, health
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
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has 84.42 % from 172 votes. More jokes about: marriage
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause. She replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.” Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”
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has 84.41 % from 642 votes. More jokes about: bar, blonde, dirty
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.
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has 84.41 % from 842 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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has 84.40 % from 209 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Ckuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet...he scares the shit out of it.
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has 84.40 % from 1635 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
What every sports player should say after winning? "First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
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has 84.40 % from 807 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future? Jimmy: I want to be a pilot. Willy: I want to be a doctor. Mary: I want to be a good mother. Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.
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has 84.39 % from 325 votes. More jokes about: doctor, kids, teacher
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
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has 84.38 % from 179 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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