A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them". Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".
A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang". I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."
Son: "Mom, I love you so much!" Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls? - Because people are dying to get in there.
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Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Chuck Norris can fold airplanes into paper.