Best jokes ever

During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide. Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me." He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."
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has 84.38 % from 332 votes. More jokes about: food, insulting, little Johnny, teacher, vulgar
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”
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has 84.38 % from 396 votes. More jokes about: blonde, car, phone
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million? Woman: Why Winston, yes I would. Churchill: What about £10? Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am? Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
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has 84.38 % from 179 votes. More jokes about: women
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
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has 84.37 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, mean, wife, wine
Chuck Norris doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.
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has 84.37 % from 778 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
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has 84.36 % from 1544 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, travel
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.
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has 84.36 % from 812 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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has 84.36 % from 245 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, math
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. “The food and service were great!” he said. His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?” “Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?” “You mean a rose?” asked his friend. “That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
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has 84.36 % from 245 votes. More jokes about: old people, wife
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
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has 84.35 % from 201 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, morbid, relationship, work
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