There are these two guys named John and Cliff.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light.
Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“
The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am.”
Son of a Gun, Blond men do exist.
How does a leopard change its spots?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors."
Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"
Q: How many Apple Iphone 6 early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!
If Chuck Norris was a villian in a video game, you'll never win.
But if he was the hero, it's unplayable; because no one controls Chuck Norris.
Patient: "Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill."
Doctor: "Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet."
If at first you don't succeed, you are not Chuck Norris.
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!