An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse.
Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
Vote:
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Q: What is the most dangerous part of a motorcycle?
A: The nut between the seat and the handlebars.
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered,
"Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Devil stays in hell because he knows Chuck is around, here on earth.
Vote:
Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.
A lady puts an ad in the paper that reads: "Recently single and looking for a man that will not run away, not hit me and treat me right in the bedroom."
One day her door bell rings and there is a man with no arms and no legs at the door.
He says: "I am here to answer your ad in the paper. I have no arms so I will not hit you and no legs so I cannot run away."
She says: "What about the good in bed part?"
He says: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"