Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Your best friend has three girlfriends.
Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 want to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: Because she couldn't find the 11
Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
What do you call 100 million black guy skydiving during the daytime?
Nightfall.
Vote:
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Vote:
After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge.
As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed.
Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!"
A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!"
I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...