I think my sons gay...I took off the seat of his bike, and he didn't notice.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Your best friend has three girlfriends.
Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 want to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: Because she couldn't find the 11
Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.
One of Hitler's assistants says to him one day, "Sir, we're mining too many useless ores."
Hitler replies, "Well, mine less."
A grammar nazi then bursts through the door and shouts, "Mine FEWER!"
Hitler looks up and asks, "Yes?"
What do you call 100 million black guy skydiving during the daytime?
Nightfall.
Vote:
After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge.
As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed.
Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!"
A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!"
I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."