An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Why are asprins white? Because they work!
Q: "What is the difference between like and love?" A: "Spit and swallow."
What do women and condoms have in common? If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "We do, I'm making tea."
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they’d break.
There was an ad in the newspaper: An agriculturist looks for a woman with a tractor. The photo of the tractor is required.
Patient: "Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill." Doctor: "Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet."