Best jokes ever

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
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A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat. So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself? Yes. Me too? Of course. And how much do you think I would cost? 500 francs. What?! Only 500 francs?! Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
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There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
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More jokes about: animal, fish, time
A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"
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I saw a black guy running with a new blu-ray player, and it looked just like mine. So I called my wife, but it turned out ours was still at home picking cotton.
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More jokes about: black people, racist, wife
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!" The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence? Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue." "That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white." Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too." Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?" Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
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More jokes about: fart, little Johnny, teacher
A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
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