I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.
"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!" "Was it a Jersey cow?" "I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"
Chuck Norris gets a the highest score possible on Wii Fit by sitting down.
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? A: Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
Two dyslectic fellas sat in the kitchen... Fella 1: "Ere, can you smell gas?" Fella 2: "Who me? No... I can't even smell my own name!"
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
We only submit these facts so he doesn't kill us.
Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: She's trying to hold on to a thought.
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.