Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What did the two tampons say to eachother? Nothing , because they were both stuck up bitches.
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together? A: In case you miss.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention. The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?" The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."
A college economics professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his student. "And who is known as the father of modern economics?" the professor asked. "I don't know," the student said. "Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Wilson, you would know," said the professor. "That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?
What do women and condoms have in common? If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to hire a Mexican guy and two to deport him when he's done.