If Chuck Norris replaced Roy Scheider, the movie would have been known as Broken Jaws, and would have only lasted 12 minutes.
A man is in a bar talking to his friend. ‘Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.’ ‘Did he get anything? asks his friend. ‘Yes,’ says the man. ‘A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.’
Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet. He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?" The man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!" The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?" The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass stupid!"
Q: What's the idea of a blonde of natural childbirth? A: No make-up.
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
Chuck Norris went sky diving 50 times. He used a parachute twice.
When Chuck Norris eats dinner at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him.
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?" "No, I'm still alive."
Every 5 seconds, somewhere in the world, someone dies of Chuck Norris.
Q: And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? A: Jail.